I write this to you, dear reader, on the eve of my 32nd birthday.
I have lived for 11,688 days— my heart has beat close to a billion times. My blood has swirled from my skull to my toes since before my first conscious breath, and lovingly continues to do so while I sleep. With each day that passes, I grow more certain I have lived more than just one life. And each time I ponder the enormity of existence, I am lulled back to my muse, the Luna Moth.
The Egg: The Beginning
“The child must know that he is a miracle, that since the beginning of the world there hasn’t been, and until the end of the world there will not be, another child like him.”
Pablo Casals
I used to believe that rebirth was a grand, almost mythical thing—like the phoenix rising from the ashes, bursting with power and glory. That rebirth was something sacred, something brought forth with tremendous, concentrated power. This year, I changed my mind. Now, I understand that the small, invisible shifts are the ones that truly define our transformations. Rebirth, it seems, is less about grand gestures and more about the accumulation of quiet changes, softly, softly. One day, maybe even tomorrow, we’ll wake up new— and the moment we began to "become again" will be a detail lost in time, like the first flicker of light before dawn.
I often wonder how close I am to becoming something similar to the Luna Moth. Maybe, if I’m lucky, I could slow the hands of time just enough to feel the air stirred by its wings, to experience that fleeting moment of stillness as it rests upon my fingertip.
The Caterpillar: Growing in Solitude
“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”
Carl Jung
I think it takes time to grow, to even realize you’re changing. It’s something I used to be so hard on myself for; I was blind to my growth, I was moving too fast to see it. Moths, however, are unburdened by this haste. They fly with such certainty into the devouring flame. The relentless pull toward the unknown moves me— to fly towards the light that flickers with an intoxicating mystery. There is no certainty in this pursuit, no promise of arrival —only the pursuit itself.
The Pupa: The Quiet Shift
“Not all those who wander are lost.” J.R.R. Tolkien
This year I’ve felt like I was following an invisible string. I have felt a pull to something for so long— I have tried to find it in so many ways and failed to realize that part of the knowing I was longing for is found through all of my different attempts, not in spite of them. So many times I allowed myself to wallow, the idea that I tried something new to see if it would fit, to see if it would make me feel what I know I’m missing, only for the interest to peter out, leaving me feeling introspective but isolated. Its an odd feeling, to know you are meant for more but not being sure of the end. The pull toward the light, the same one that guides the Luna moth, mirrors our own lifespan—so intricately woven with the madness of existence, yet so solitary in its discoveries. We cannot always make sense of the ideas or choices we’ve created, but that doesn't make them any less meaningful. All discoveries have led me closer; I feel it like a magnetic pull.
The Moth Emerges: The Light Calls
“You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.”
Friedrich Nietzsche
Writing is the portal through which I entered new realms of self-discovery— writing is the only thing I feel with certainty will lead me towards the path I am destined for. Writing makes me feel brave: I write my thoughts for everyone to see. I make my opinions and thoughts public domain, I allow myself to be susceptible to criticism and critique, and while this idea paralyzes me, it is the only thing that encourages me to face the void again and again.
I dream of falling forward— my arms above me, eyes closed and fully relaxed, into the deep, dark, blackness of the void. Inside this dream, I am infinite. I am not marred by age or doubt, I am free, I am a child again, and I hold her hand in mine.
The Flight: Embracing the Unknown
“I am seeking. I am striving. I am in it with all my heart.”
Vincent van Gogh
I have come to realize that the pursuit of life itself is far sweeter than any destination I could reach. I will no longer set goals confined by time, for what if my future is far grander than I could ever dream? What if setting goals is merely another limitation, disguised by the illusion of control? I want to burn so brightly that I explode. I want to burn alive, laughing at the joy of being untethered, wild, and unapologetically alive in the pursuit of my grand adventure. In this way, I will honor the life I have been given the best way I can. I am a moth to the flame.
My greatest desire is to vanish into the eclipse of my passions. I want to make life more beautiful for myself, for everyone I love, for every person I may never meet. I want to make something profound that makes others feel like maybe they’re not so alone, after-all. I want to fall with the knowledge and grace of someone who knows that falling does not lead to a splatter, but to rebirth. I want to cradle the faces of my friends and memorize all of the lines that surround their eyes; I want to be proud in the knowledge that our laugher has been etched into their skin. I want to wear large rings on my wrinkled fingers, wear string bikinis when I’m 85, drinking wine in the sun, laughing with people I love. I want to rejoice in the leather-feeling of my sun-kissed skin, and marvel at each and every tiny thing that makes me whole.
For my birthday, all I want is for you to know how much you have changed my life. How much I adore you, how much excitement you bring me. You have helped me discover myself, and that is the greatest gift I could have ever received.
In return, I promise this: I will work with dedication and passion, knowing that no matter how isolated or lonely I may have felt, by pouring my heart into my work, those who are meant for me will find their way. In the space between contradictions, in the grace that transforms the caterpillar into the moth, profound beauty will surround us. And when we finally meet, we will laugh together, for we will have discovered the eternal fountain of youth: the joy of becoming, again.
With great personal aesthetic, and all the love in my heart,
Alexandra Diana, The A List
P.s. I thought you might enjoy this collection of images that have inspired me. Xx
